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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Question of the week: How can I let go of him?

Q- I've recently broken up with a man that wasn't good for me, but I can't seem to let go of him, because I love him, and I can't get out of this hole. Any advice?

A- Well, your first sentence says a lot. You have already identified that he was not good for you. The question becomes, if he is not good for you, then why would you be holding on to something that is not acceptable to you? The answer is not love. We can have love for someone but still realize that they are not good for us. Love is love, it doesn't keep us from moving on, nor does it keep people together. How people relate to each other is what keeps them together. If you know that this man was not good for you, then you should first look into yourself and decide what is good for you. Somewhere along the lines, you have stopped looking at you, and concentrated your thoughts on something else. Whether it's him, the idea of what he could have been, or maybe some event that happened between you that never happened before, you have stopped looking inside of you, and are focused on something outside of you. But things outside of you are just that: outside. They cannot be in our grasp, nor can we work on those things. If we focus on those things outside of us, the pain and turmoil will remain. We are powerless over everything outside of ourselves. When you turn your thoughts and focus inside, you will find the power to start to let go.

What is inside of you then? First off, if you know he was not good for you, then at some level, you know something was happening that was unacceptable to you. If it is unacceptable, then what about you is telling yourself to hold on to something unacceptable? More times than not, it is due to an insecurity or fear. It may be as simple as fear of being alone. That fear prevents a lot of people from moving forward. Maybe you felt that he fulfilled some need inside of you. If that's the case, then you only have to look within to fill that need. It needs to flow from within you. Where does that insecurity come from? How can you overcome that insecurity? Remember, nothing external can fill an internal need. If you have a void that you are trying to fill with someone or something else, you need to fill that void with you, from you. But if you did "fill that void" with him, then that's another reason you cannot let go, because as he goes, so does what was filling your insecurity. And lastly, you may be feeling that despite his problems, you'll never find someone like him. Or, more specifically, if he did fill a void inside of yourself, you may feel that you'll never find someone to fill that void again. For that, I offer just one thought. Do you really think, with all the infinite number of possibilities that exist in the Universe, that he is the only one that can co-exist peacefully in your life? That he is the only one that exhibits the things you liked about him? That there's no one who exhibits the good of him, without the things you feel were bad for you? Just because you haven't found him yet, doesn't mean you won't find him.

The Universe dreams dreams for us that are much bigger than anything we can possibly dream for ourselves. And when we keep the wrong person in our lives, it prevents the right person from coming in. Instead of focusing on him, what he did, how he can improve, and all the what if's that go along with that thinking, turn your thoughts within. What about you feels compelled to hang on to a bad relationship? What about you is clinging to something you know was not acceptable? When you turn within yourself, you take control over what can be fixed, and not only will you start to feel better, you may also find an area of growth you didn't realize was in you before.


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